The Profits made a mistake?
A bright light envelops the corridor. All the metal corners and brown of modern 2260 human space station tech of Babylon 5 shown in all its glory. As the light fades a figure can be seen standing in the middle. The light continues to its end of life... a tail, bald, confident star-fleet officer Ben Sisko can be seen struggling to adjust his eyes to the dimly lit corridor.
" Ah home at last " as he speaks to himself. Sisko then touches his communicator on his uniform to the right hand side of his chest. "Sisko to ops"...nothing..."Sisko to ops"...nothing...waiting...
a computer vices ecos form the badge ..."This is an unauthorised com link please wait for security"...
"what?".....
Sisko persist..." This is Sisko to any star-fleet personal"
.."This is an unauthorised com link please wait for security"...repeats the computer voice.
"Whats going on..." Sisko inquires to the universe in general.
Then there is the sound of a plasma gun cocking,
"Your getting arrested, that's whats going on!" declares a voice form the other end of the corridor
a man walks up to Sisko with a high tech gun pointed to his head as the man approaches the dim light shows his face as Michael Gariboldi.
"You're under arrest for using a secure com link " ... "I'm the security chief and your coming with me for questioning , now we can do this the easy way or the hard way...I prefer the easy way..." says Gariboldi.
"Easy way is my favourite way too" replies Sisko.
Sisko follows Gariboldi through corridors passing humans and aliens he has never seen. Their journey ends up in a holding cell with a metal table and two metal chairs on opposite sides where each man sits.
"So lets start form the top" ...."who are you?" exclaims Gariboldi.
I'm Captain Benjamin Sisko of the United Federation of Planets...."
Gariboldi buts in "...who .. what..?!.."
"I'm Captain Benjamin Sisko form Star Fleet" relays Sisko with a little annoyance.
"...and I'm Queen of the Nile ...I have never heard of Star Fleet or United Federation of Planets.." replies Gariboldi in the tone of a policeman who knows this one is going to create a lot of extra paperwork.
"..then what have you heard.." Sisko interrupts,
"You're on Babylon 5, run by Earth Force for the Earth Alliance. The year 2260 and I'm god almighty right now in this room and you need to make sense quickly.." says Gariboldi as he leans back in his chair and folds his arms.
Sisko takes a big breath and press's his hands flat on the table palms down hoping it's coldness will cool his nerves.
"I think I know whats going on here, I was sent by the Profits back to my reality to help the people of Bajor, for I am the emissary of the Profits and a Star Fleet officer " Sisko conveys in the most relaxed authoritative tone possible.
"Sounds like your a busy man"
Sisko replies "You have no idea...the profits are worm hole aliens that took me away with them to a another dimension for training as their emissary for the coming tasks ahead..."
Yawn yawn goes Gariboldi making the jester of yawning ... "oh sorry continue"
"This isn't a game there are lives at stake and I'm in the wrong dimension the wrong story you have to help me .."
"Oh you be getting help" say Gariboldi with a condescending tone thinking to himself, I'm going to need help writing the report, this guy is beyond the beyond.
"Dont patronise me, I have rights" barked Sisko.
"Yes you do have rights under section 253 of the Earth Force code you will be held in a cell for 24 hours and then we will start this all over again in front of the judge." Exclaimed Garboldi with some satisfaction knowing this is the usual policeman's statement of this talk is over enjoy your cell and time for me to enjoy a good drink at the pub.
"Now just a minute Mr Gariboldi you can't did this , your making a mistake...I need to get out of here and back to the wormhole and the Profits and fix this mess." Sisko outers out with a bit too much urgency for man who usual enjoys being in control and realises the remote has been confiscated.
Gariboldi shakes his head ".. oh man why me .. look I can get you a deck of cards short of a few cards and you can watch cartoons, you will be right at home...thats as far as your going until you see the judge"
Sisko looks in dismay at Gariboldi, can this really be happening could he be Q playing a joke but what could you do but just play it out for the moment.
"Fine" relays Sisko in a tone of you know just pissed off a Captain and he's going make sure you remember it in a very uncomfortable way later.
Gariboldi walks out heading down the corridor then...boom the hallway shakes the lights flicker then it stops ...He pulls out his gun running back to the room he came form yelling to him self .." oh nuts! "
he bursts into the room ....and no ones there.
Just the metal table and the two chairs.
He looks around and realises no Sisko, no mountain of paper work.
Gariboldi looks side to side just to be certain and leans forward and whispers to the Universe " thanks " and walks out of the room closing the door behind him and locking it.
The end or is it .....?
I'm waiting. Can't wait to see your fantacy stories.
ReplyDeleteWell this is an excellent start Nick - lots of good work done already. You're nearly there! :)
ReplyDeleteNB: there's a difference between YOUR (posessive, as in YOUR fanfic + You're, as in 'you are')
ReplyDeleteAs you go try and step back and look at it from a reader's perspective from time to time - is it clear which character is speaking at each step of the dialogue?
Good work Nick :)
This is looking really interesting Nick. Cant wait to read the complete story :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Troy I've finished what I could it was hard to make my first story in such a long time and keep it within the word limit please let me know if you have any ideas to improve it.
ReplyDeleteHi Esther thanks for the info about your ... its been so long since I have looked at a grammar book....I've made the correction do you think I understand the usage correctly now?
PS everyone it would be great to meet you all to put faces to the names and my be catch up for a coffee on the odd occasion would be a great way to work and help each other out on the upcoming projects :) Cheers
ReplyDeleteHi Hi!! This is fantastic creative thinking Nick!
I like the way you use the language to explain the situation, the conflict of each characters, the feeling and emotion when they face each other, and the scene of story, which is unusual to see in our real life except only in computer graphic movie. I can see the spaceship and the room while they are taking because you are telling in the story. I can feel that Nick in my imagination. This is very good. Also, you choose to write the situation by creating different situation from the original one rather than change the characteristic of Sisko and Grarboildi. I think this is quite fun and attractive.
I tell you what… I know nothing about ‘Star Trek” and I don’t like this kind of movie too much honestly. However, when I read your story. You organize the plot so well which mean I don’t have any hiccup during I’m reading it. In contrast, I quite enjoy to follow and finish it until the end of the story. I can’t wait to read it ..Come on! Hurry up! Hurry up!
Oh!! Just a few thing I saw you use the abbreviation such as ‘com’ and “Q playing” I can guess from the context of the story but I don’t really know what it exactly means in you POV. I think it would be good if you can write full word or explain a little bit.
Good job Nick!!
Meow Moew
Thanks for the info Mew I know full well your not into star trek but one day I will convert you... I had to shorten the story and keep to the 1000 word limit so I removed some lines when writing. " com " is slang for radio or future equivalent to mobile phones. "Q" is a supernatural being that likes to play jokes on people think of him as tony stark of star trek who doesn't know when to quite with jokes and cool sayings. But the story is finished have another look please.
ReplyDeleteSentence 1 = needs punctuation (and throughout narrative)
ReplyDeleteThink about where you would naturally PAUSE when reading this, and add a comma. Or add a full stop if you are moving on to something different.
Some spelling errors e.g. fad / fade
Think about if EVERYTHING you have here NEEDS to be here.
Consider being consistent with naming - are you going to call him Ben? or Sisko? etc.
Read it again and make sure everything is CLEAR - imagine you are reading it for the first time
Good work!
Thanks Esther, My biggest issue was always grammar and taking my time in checking it. I've made a start and will continue tonight. Thanks again.
ReplyDeleteHey..Nicky!
ReplyDeleteThis is really cool that leaving the reader in suspense wondering when the next chapter will be.
Meow Meow ...